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WHAT DOTH I SEEK? LETTERS TO GOD--ER, JOHN JOHN'S SHOCKING REPLY HOLY WRIT! (IT RHYMES WITH 'WRIT') HUH? GOD IS NOT IN HIS HEAVEN? I BLASPHEMED; JOHN SPOKE SCRIPTURE WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED? |
WHAT DOTH I SEEK? Knowledge and immortality. Plus speed; strength; agility. Fine. I'll settle for knowledge. (If my script is made, do I get immortality?) Burning questions--I made an ash of myself. LETTERS TO GOD--ER, JOHN My first letter: early 1995. I was not yet online. I wanted advice on Simpsons scriptwriting. What should I ask? How do I get God's attention? Just start "blowin' sunshine somewhere dark and unholy" ...the tailpipe of the master... Dear John, Let me start by kissing butt: I'm not kidding when I say that you're the best Simpsons writer (in my arrogant opinion). Before I knew I had to seek divine help from a Simpsons writer, I made sure to go through my entire videotape collection of "The Simpsons" and pick out a few of my faves. Quite a few of those were penned by you (according to the credits). I especially liked 7F20--the marriage retreat and 9F03, the Itchy and Scratchy Movie. I realize you may be short on time, so I will get to the point. I need help. I realize that with each passing year, the cancellation of the show becomes more imminent. I will indeed dry up and pass away the day it is decided to can "The Simpsons". This is my biggest fear; "The horror", if you will. I want to write a Simpsons script and submit it. Now before you choke on your spittle laughing and wad this page into a tiny ball bound for the trash, let me state that I do not want to be in competition with you--only to help you and the show. I may not be as good at writing "The Simpsons" as even the worst writer, but I would like a shot-- and, quite possibly by the grace of your ever-lovin heart, some tips and answers to some nagging questions. First, how many pages should a "Simpsons" script be? Most eps seem to last 22.5 minutes. How much camera direction does a writer include in the script, or do we leave that to the director? I would also like any advice you might graciously volunteer me about writing for "The Simpsons" and about how to write a script. What person would likely read my script the most receptively once it has been registered with the guild? (someone who makes decisions!) I realize you would might rather scratch your ass with a wire brush than answer this letter or even correspond, but alas, I will wait by my mailbox with heightened anxiety for the next 3 decades for your response (Read : "Please write back"). I appreciate you and the time it took to read this letter. By the way, in the time it took you to read this letter, a small building burned to the ground. Thanks. | |
JOHN'S SHOCKING REPLY Shocking, in that he did reply. For reals. On a neat Simpsons notecard (2" x 8", "The Simpsons" on top) with John Swartzwelder stamped on the bottom. Killer. Chad, Glad you like my stuff. In answer to your questions: 1) Simpson first draft scripts are about 50 pages. 2) Stage directions in the script should describe everything that happens, but be as brief as possible. Don't try to write stage directions in a funny way. That just makes people who are reading it feel like you're deliberately wasting their time. 3) Bill Oakley and Josh Weinstein are the people who decide who gets free-lance assignments. Contact their office for information on how to submit a script. 4) All free-lance assignments have already been given out for the 95/96 season. After that, who knows. Good luck. (Signed) John Swartzwelder HOLY WRIT! (IT RHYMES WITH 'WRIT') Clutching the notecard to my bosom, I wept. Actually, I got excited, and began writing. Not long after, I sent J.S. a five page excerpt and asked more questions. I secretly wanted his approval. He secretly wanted my funeral. He wrote a message on the margins of my script, which shall be immortalized forever; amen: I still do some work for The Simpsons, but I'm no longer on the staff. As a result, I don't know what kind of writing help they need, if any. I suggest you contact one of the producers who are familiar with the show's day to day operations. (signed)--John Swartzwelder HUH? GOD IS NOT IN HIS HEAVEN? Those words "no longer on the staff" struck me as odd. But, after freelancing his scripts for season seven, John ends up re-hired for season eight. Phew! I BLASPHEMED; JOHN SPOKE SCRIPTURE Finally, I had the most idiotic idea of all--send John a script, and beg him to co-author it! Beauty idea! "Give something back to the fans," I reasoned. "Why not do something different?" I pleaded. Sizing me up (in two seconds), John rebukes the devil that posessed me (another "cool" notecard): Sorry. Can't help you. Anyway, TV shows don't buy scripts. If they like your work they'll assign you a script. Suggest you send a sample script to the current executive producer of the show. His name is Mike Scully. (Though they really don't need anymore writers right now.) (no signature) John Swartzwelder WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED? This latest humiliation (last year) served notice: There is NO back door to writing for The Simpsons. Makes sense--why buy scripts, when you have a staff to write them? Who CARES how good an outside script is? If it's that good, the author'd be on our staff. (And so on.) How do you get on the Simpsons writing staff? Marry someone. NOW. Or; get an agent, sell a movie script to Paramount that does $100 million, forget about the Simpsons, and live the life you were born to live... a life of slovenly emptiness that can only be filled by your name in the opening credits--of your Simpsons episode. D'OH... << BACK TO SCRIPTWRITING |